I AM FREE FROM CYNICISM!
Sunday. A friend of mine, asked me over coffee, whether I am happy.. as he has observed that I seems to have lost my cheerfulness, and seems to always look sad. He asked if it’s time for me to change job (For i work in a mental hospital, surrounded by “negativity” he said).
Frankly, it’s not the first time friends has mentioned this to me, they all said that I used to be happier, and was more “fun”.
I used to believe that I have grew “matured” and “wiser” because of my job. I thought it’s part of self-development, to be able to project “professional calm” -i.e Nothing will shock or surprise me. This is useful when you have to handle crisis and to manage the raw emotions from your clients during counselling sessions.
However, recently I’ve indeed noticed something troubling about myself – I am unable to fully experience whatever I am doing. I have somehow become “detached” and apart. I am not sure if it’s a occupational hazard, span from the implicit need to have some emotional detachment between client and me.
Thinking about this, I have received a revelation, that instead of becoming “matured”, I have actually became a Cynical, Skeptical, Negative and Distrustful person.
In the effort to take care of myself, and my family, I learnt to make preemptive plans for the future, and for the worse, dissect what people says..second guess intentions, not to trust people too easily and accept the “dog eat dog” logic of the world.
Whenever I make plans for the future, I was “realistic”, that means I only see problems, different ways of how a plan can fail, the “what ifs”. Soon, my world views became distorted, and deluded…unknowingly, Life to me slowly equates to problems, disappointment and pain.
In the process, this cynicism is like the parable (Luke 8:7), it grows like thorny bush, and suffocate mes, and is killing me inside out! I have let the Cares of life zap the life out of me!
I lost my “innocence” and “freshness” and Vitality.. I became a zombie.
When I reflect more, I came to understand where is this need to “plan for the worse” comes from. From my fear, that “if I don’t plan, something BAD will happen and I will lose something, or be disappointed”… and a belief that “I need to take care of myself and my family, with MY effort and MY abilities, by MY power”.
Immediately, I see the light… How foolish of me! Do I not have faith to believe that God can provide? Do I not have faith that He can care for me? (Matthew 6:25, Luke 12:22, Philippians 4:6) The answer is FAITH.. Faith in God.. Faith in humanity.. Faith in Faith! Why did i lost that faith? When I don’t have faith in anything anymore, i am a kill joy, I become grumble.. I lost sight.. i don’t know what is the purpose..
“But take heed to yourselves and be on your guard, lest your hearts be overburdened and depressed (weighed down) with the giddiness and headache and nausea of self-indulgence, drunkenness, and worldly worries and cares pertaining to [the business of] this life, and [lest] that day come upon you suddenly like a trap or a noose;..” Luke 21:34
So. After having such insight, I smiled. I feel the scales from my eye fell off, i feel lighter, liberated and free! I smiled! I am aware of my negativity and cynicism now.. and with a renewed mind, I feel I don’t have to fear, and worry, I don’t have to “fend for myself”.
I can see how powerful our mind, beliefs, thoughts are, it’s not the kind of JOB that shape you… your attitude and outlook shape your life and the environment you are in!
I give thanks to the Lord for His grace.